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Out in the pub

I currently still am off work until the 7th and so is my friend Seraphin. His girlfriend Lara unfortunately isn’t so she naturally doesn’t go out with us that much these days.

Yesterday we went to a pub near where I life and had a couple of drinks. I haven’t drank any alcohol since the car crash but one of my New Year’s resolution is that I leave the past behind, in whichever way. So I decided on having a Margarita – it tasted awful.

However and even though alcohol might not be a good think to turn to to get over something, it did feel good. I am not planning on being an alcoholic sometime soon – I couldn’t get myself to drink that much. One drink was enough anyway.

Shortly after I felt quite tipsy and Seraphin laughed a little at me. When he excused himself to go to the bathroom a good looking man made his way to our table where I was waiting for my friend to return.

I guess I couldn’t repeat our conversation even if I wanted because of that stupid cocktail.

He introduced himself and asked what “a young, pretty woman” was doing in that pub all evening and that he thought that my “boyfriend” was not the cleverest to leave me alone with crowd of men all over the place.

Frankly, I think the way he was hitting on me was both, blunt and somehow elegant – but nevermind.

We exchanged a couple of words and he gave me his card saying he’d love to take me out for diner. Then – thanks heaven – Sera came back. Raising an eyebrow he questioned me about the guy, who just made his way back to a group of (apparently) friends.

At around 1 a.m. we decided to call it a night and he walked me home. I had my hands in my pockets because of the chilly temperatures at night and felt the card the man had given me. I was about to throw it into a litter box that was just standing there when Sera caught my hand.

“Don’t do that. Just think about it and maybe give that guy a chance.” That was all he said.

So I kept the card.

And I don’t know what I am supposed to do. It’s been years since I went out with a guy.. the first and last being Conlan.

Maybe I’ll give that guy a call. Maybe I won’t. It just feels weird.


Ghost of a time past

I usually don’t tend to cling to memories of my past anymore. I used to cling to them for far too long. I guess it’s because I started writing about it and telling my story in this place that make all those memories come back.

It does hit me every time though. My best friend Seraphin and his girlfriend stayed over night as we were having a little party for New Year’s and it got pretty late .. or early whatever you prefer.

As soon as they went home I suddenly felt alone. When I took a little nap in the afternoon I had a short dream in which I felt like Conlan was still with me. I woke up and couldn’t stop myself from crying as it felt incredibly real and it brought all these feelings back. I usually can handle it as those sudden and overwhelming feelings don’t pop up that often anymore but for some reason it felt much harder today. The worst of it all are the thoughts that come to my head then. Thoughts like:

“What would it be, if he was still here?”


“Why couldn’t it have been me?”


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The year is coming to an end and I actually am glad about it. I usually don’t tend to consider New Year’s Eve as a striking day or remarkable date to start for changes but this time I just hope that it brings some.

Things are getting crazy and at the current moment I do think that I can keep both my lives separate but I know that at some point I won’t be able to do this any longer as life is no movie or book. For  now it’s been alright but I know that some serious and important things are coming up in spring – in both lives and I also shouldn’t let any of those possibilities get away.

A couple of days I once more realized how important that one friend of mine had been this year. And the year before. And before.

For some reason I always call him by his last name even though no one else does. Seraphin popped up in my life about 3 years ago when everything felt like it couldn’t get any worse. When I moved I had no one to call and no one to spend time with except for him. And after I realised that I really was sick it was him who constantly kept an eye on me and prevented me from going down that destructive road. I love him for everything he did for me. We have been like brother and sister ever since.

I better keep this short – speaking of the devil (or in this case my guardian angel, which I find quit fitting regarding his name) – I better go and help him with the diner.

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How it all began

I guess almost every story starts with something similar to “Until a certain point in my life everything was alright, nothing extraordinary but all in all a good life to live”. Mine starts the same.

Until a certain point in my life everything was alright, nothing extraordinary but all in all a good life to live. I still remember it – that night that changed everything and forced my life on the collision course I still can’t manage to get out of.

I was very young but looking back I still think I made the right decision. I’m still quite young but what does that even mean? I have been always “older” than all of my friends. I’m “wise beyond my years”, so I’ve been told – What a cheesy expression.

However. Back then I was with a man a little younger than me. Unlike his friends he wasn’t going after quick fun and amusement. At least I never got to know this side of his, so I kind of don’t know if it even existed.

I know that people tend to glamour over the rather unpleasant or nasty sites of someone else when that person is forced out of life but all of us agreed that there was nothing really that needed to be put in a better light about Conlan.

I was sure that he was the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and in some miraculous way he thought the same about me. We got engaged on a trip to England. It had been lashing all day and we had diner in a fish and chips shop near our hotel. While we were waiting he suddenly turned around and gave me that bright smile of his. He obviously hadn’t planned it but it didn’t matter. He just smiled at me and asked me to spend the rest of my life with him. The next day we stopped by a jeweller to get a ring.

After we came home from our little break off we went to a pub with our friends to celebrate. We had a couple of drinks and decided to take a cab home.

All the way back home we were wrecking that poor cab driver’s nerves because we were giggling and joking around like children. I remember the sound of him slamming his foot onto the break before the taxi crashed into a truck. All of it happened really fast and I just remember it like looking trough thick fog. I caught Conlan’s eyes as he took in a deep breath. His eyes were slowly closing while I noticed he wasn’t wearing his seatbelt. He had opened it because he could tickle me better without wearing it.

Then I passed out to wake up the next day in the hospital. I woke up but my Conlan didn’t.

I never got over him. I guess that is the reason why some things changed the way they did. I miss him. Terribly.

After his funeral I kept floating through the weeks but couldn’t get myself out of the deep hole I had fallen into.

It hurts to remember but I also know that a long time has passed and that I needed to move on. Which kind of brought me into this new world. I don’t want to mourn over his death here, I had plenty of time for mourning. I just want to give you the reasons why I am the way I just am. Neither do I want to use the memory of Conlan as an excuse for the twisted and messed up things that are going on in my life. I just want to give reasons that I believe made me the person who is writing this now.

~ Jordan

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Join me

As someone who is living the life of two I often get to wonder why people do that to themselves and limit their lives to just a handful of extremely lame factors.

Those would be:

– work

– one or two different hobbies

– family

Why not combine those things and live life to the fullest?

I am very happy with how this worked out for me.

To my friends I am the all smiley one, who is happy most of the time and who takes her work serious. None of them do know what my work actually is. I live that life simply because I grew up in it and don’t really feel like giving it up.

And then there is my secret.

There’s also the life that I’ve chosen. I decided to give up on all of my plans for the future and changed it all, gave everything I had and got the most amazing gift that ever existed in mankind. I got my second life, my chance to change who I am and what I was and rocketed up to someone.

I crashed into this whole new world in which I found approval, endless opportunities and even admiration. In this very world my skills and talents make perfectly sense and get me exactly where I want to be. People do what I want in the very moment when I want them to do it. Each of us from this word, this second life, is alike. We’re the same. One kind. There is excitement. Attention. Incredible people you thought you’d never meet. Celebrities. A driving force that makes us equal. Fame. A story behind every action we perform. Fans. Secrets that must be kept by all means. Power.

And once Monday starts life seems to be just as ordinary as it has always been.

So what’s this all going to be about?

About it all. Every secret meeting. Every secret action. Orders. Manipulation. Men. Losses. Sacrifices. Achievements.  All the dirty secrets that come together.

Let me show you my world. Join me.Silhouette_noneclace